There is such a stereotype that you can make close friends only in childhood, school or college. Say, at this age we were all open to each other, relationships have been tested for years and therefore can rightfully be called "real friendship."
Indeed, it is a great success when communication, tied up in childhood, lasts for many years. But most often it happens differently. Each of us has our own way, growing up, we find a difference in interests, views, life goals. And at one point, you realize that once a person close to you seems already completely alien. And the only thing that unites you is the memories of how you spent your school years together.
Communication with friends from childhood is especially valuable for us, because these people know us as we were many years ago, saw our path, remember what we dreamed about. They are witnesses to our lives.
Unfortunately, not everyone can keep in touch with friends from childhood. In my therapeutic practice, I often come across the fact that many people feel a lack in their adult lives of communicating with like-minded people, intimate conversations with a person who is not indifferent to themselves, a friendly shoulder or vest next to them during periods when it is especially difficult.
Surprisingly, many people seriously believe that it is impossible to make real friendship in adulthood, thereby condemning yourself to loneliness. For me personally, this is the same myth as the fact that you can truly love only once in a lifetime.
With desire and an open heart, you can build strong friendships at any age.
However, first you need to understand the belief that adults do not need friends, everyone is busy with their own affairs or family, and no one cares about you or your problems. From a part it is somewhere and so. Indeed, the active pace of life dictates its own rules, and people are primarily concerned about their problems. Nevertheless, among us there are a lot of busy, but lonely people. Have you ever thought that violent external activity is often needed in order to fill the void inside? Some were so desperate to find close spiritual contact that they went headlong into work and superficial relationships so as not to feel all the pain and longing of loneliness. In fact, in the modern world, no one disdains real friendship. Therefore, if you think that you are the only lonely person in the world who needs communication, and the rest are not, then you are deeply mistaken, which is not bad in this case.
It is worth remembering that strong friendship is, in a sense, not a noun, but a verb. This is an action of two people aimed at getting closer, understanding each other, building harmonious and safe relations in which there will be enough support and respect. It is necessary to invest in this process in order to form a truly worthwhile alliance. It is naive to believe that good friendship will somehow develop on its own. Also, do not hope that a trusting relationship is a quick matter. Adults are more careful than children in choosing an interlocutor. We need to look at a person for a long time, listen to ourselves - mine or not. As in childhood, adult friendships are built for months, years. If this does not scare you, then you can try to make new friends.
Below I will try to give some general recommendations for those who do not know where to start.
First, look around. Surely you will see in your environment 1-2 people who seem more pleasant to you than other people. If, apart from work, you don’t have any community, and where you work, you don’t want to make friends, then choose your interest courses and take an annual subscription. You will look after your friends there.
Start slowly getting closer to those who are prettier to you. Do this not intrusively. First, just say hello and smile. Compliment your appearance and success sometimes. All people, without exception, like it when they are told something nice. In a couple of weeks - a month, ask questions about interests, hobbies, ask about any nonsense. Watch the reaction. If there is a warming in contact, the interlocutor smiles at you, greets you, takes an interest in you in response - that means you are on the right track.
Gradually communicate more and more. Discuss the surroundings, the activities in which you are both involved, etc. Slowly expand the range of topics. Somehow offer to go to an exhibition, cinema, cafe and any other event together. Thus, you will make friends, which over time can develop into friendship.
Pay attention to the little things that form the idea of you as a person. Be punctual, do not interrupt the interlocutor during a conversation, carefully handle criticism, do not teach the life of your new friend without asking him to do so, do not emphasize your superiority, do not ulcerate. At the same time, do not crouch, express your opinion with dignity, remember that in relations both are equal and both are important. It would seem elementary recommendations. But some people forget about them, and then sincerely wonder why no one wants to communicate with them.
Be interesting to people. To do this, you need to be interesting first of all to yourself. Read books, go to the cinema, theaters, learn a new craft, hobbies. Do not sit at home in four walls - so you get used to isolation. Instead, show sincere interest in those you like.
It happens that you like a person, you initiate communication, but he does not make contact. In this case, try to slow down. There are two possible options - either the person is afraid to get close, or he doesn’t really like you. In the first case, you will need more time to establish a relationship. In the second case - do not waste your energy in order to interest and please. In friendship, you should not bleed and then seek the attention of a person who is attractive to you.
In addition, in friendships it is important not to go to 2 extremes. The first is when, for the sake of another, I am ready (ready) for everything, having forgotten about myself, my interests, borders. The second extreme is to pull the blanket over yourself, demand constant involvement from your friend in your life, and be offended if a friend cannot or does not want to be in contact with you whenever you need it.
Do not dwell on one friend. If you are lucky and manage to build really strong and good relationships with one person - great! Why not expand the range of people you chat with? I do not agree with the saying - "an old friend is better than the new two." It’s good when there are both. Sincere interest in other people, an open heart, plus clear boundaries - the key to good friendships.
I want to make friends - tips
Pay attention to the people around you at work. Bring a cake and gather everyone at lunchtime. Chat with the staff. In the process of communication, there are sure to be those that share your views and beliefs. You will surely find friends who will later become friends.
After all, you have a lot in common:
The people around you
You spend a lot of time together
Corporate parties and parties.
In addition, this is an additional incentive to the desire to go to work in the team where they love, wait and support you.
There are many topics for conversations with colleagues:
A read book by a contemporary author or classic,
New manicure of a fashionable employee,
Your mom’s grandson sweater
News on the Internet,
Change of weather.
Choose and sweep away unnecessary people.
Do not communicate with unpleasant people. They are depressing to your psyche. In addition, continuing relations with those who arouse antipathy in you, leave less time and opportunities for acquaintance with interesting and positive people. Do not flatter yourself, if you initially felt hostility towards a person, nothing will change in the future. Only now you will regret the lost time.
Try to draw on paper someone with whom you think you would like to talk to. No need to draw a portrait of a man. After all, external qualities are not the main thing. List those character traits, demeanor, level of intelligence that your intended friend should have. Include the following items in the list:
They say that thoughts are material, maybe you will find out a person corresponding to your wishes, among those with whom you are familiar.
Flattery is not friendship.
A man makes a friend also to know the truth about himself. A true friend will not flatter and dissemble. It should seem strange to you if you hear constant praise and exclamations from you from the mouth of someone you consider to be your friend. Take a closer look at this person and listen to what others are saying about him. Most likely, friendship will not work for you.
In the role of a lifeguard.
Sometimes people take for friendship that they are constantly being asked. Doesn't it seem strange to you that the person who comes to visit you does not even bring chocolates to your children? But he has a lot of requests to you.
It is not subject to discussion that a friend can be paid in a cafe if he does not have money today. Even invite him for a cup of coffee and a business lunch. However, if it becomes a habit, stop. To begin, tell a friend that today he treats you. Renouncement? Think about it, weigh the situation, and make a decision. Talk to the person, explain that you cannot constantly be in the role of his rescuer. If a person really needed your help, he will explain the reasons. If you are used, a person will be offended.
Like everyone or nobody.
Like or dislike people is also a skill. Some try to please everyone, make a lot of acquaintances, and themselves become entangled in relationships. Try to impress those who truly match your ideas of a true friend. To do this, you can use the simplest methods:
Smile Not without reason, try to ensure that the expression on your face matches the situation. Contact the person you noticed with a smile or a joke,
Do not chat. The senseless chatter of anyone will piss off. What can we say about the person whose attention you want to attract. Do not complain about life and do not describe in detail the personal misfortunes and hardships,
Listen up. Listening to the interlocutor, you will certainly understand whether he is worth your attention or not. In addition, you will recognize the person. Take an interest in his life, worldview, attitude to aspects of life, life and culture.
It is worth considering only one nuance - you need to be sincere. If you are interested in this person, you should be full of attention at the time of communication. Otherwise, he will understand that you are only pretending to be interesting to you.
There is a flip side to the coin. And does the one you have chosen as a buddy candidate want to be friends with you? Do you meet his claims to the role of a true friend? Do not try to “include the actor” and diligently portray the one whom the interlocutor wants to see opposite to himself. It is not necessary to assent and nod at all his statements. Better express your own opinion. Do not be afraid to express your own thoughts, and do not adapt to it. If you see that a person is offended in response to your opinion, there will be no friendship. Anyone to whom you are interested, as an interlocutor and friend, will surely find a compromise and will not impose his point of view.
Do not try to “get out of your skin” to be interesting. Always be yourself. If at the initial stage of the relationship the interlocutor considers that you are not suitable for him as a friend, nothing will change in the future. At least you will be honest with him and with yourself. By the way, this is important in any relationship between people.
He is not the only one.
The puzzle has developed, you see in front of you that person who is worthy to become your friend. Apparently, he was not averse to making a closer acquaintance with you. But friendship is akin to love - a delicate and fragile instrument. Everything happens in life, so do not get hung up on just one thing. He is not the only person on the planet with whom it is interesting and fun.
The main thing is to understand what value you have for a person, and what he expects from you in return. If you feel that you have found a soul mate and know that communication will only bring you joy in the future, be friends!
Why people can't make friends
It sounds strange, but some people believe that you can make real friends in your youth and childhood. Allegedly an adult who now knows everything and everything, this is impossible. They give examples and reasons, which boil down to the following:
I was betrayed
There is no sincerity in this world
They only used me
Kindness and understanding remained in childhood.
Think about how often you were sincere with others, how many times in recent months have you shown understanding and concern not only for those close to you, but also for those around you? To an open and kind person people are drawn, like a magnet. It is doubtful that any of these people feel an acute shortage of friends at any age.
There is one more nuance. Friendship is, first of all, work on oneself and one’s own intolerance towards other people's shortcomings. And only then, joint work aimed at becoming truly close people. True friendship will never be such without the support, respect and attention of the parties to each other. This is a process that requires effort and soul to be invested in it.
Another aspect of friendship is trust. This attitude takes a long time. In order not to upset the delicate balance, you need to be crystal honest with a friend. A person will feel the falsity and recognize a deliberate lie. Once this happens, trust will break up like a house of cards. Returning a good attitude will not work out soon, but maybe it won’t work out at all.
Do not rely on the opinions of people who claim that true friendship, like true love, occurs once in a lifetime. This is absurd! It all depends on the person himself, and on the desire to find a like-minded person, an interesting interlocutor, a reliable partner in one person - a true friend.
1. Be friendly
The first impression in many respects depends on whether the person will continue to communicate with you or not. And the most important thing here is facial expression. Remember the people you see every day in a store, airport, or in line for documents. If a man is frowning, frowns, does not smile, you are unlikely to want to have a word with him. He just does not look friendly, although it may well be.
A good-natured smile or just a polite nod of your head makes others understand that you are friendly and open to communication.
Another indicator of openness is the ability to listen. Most likely, you have something to tell, but do not forget that friendship is a mutual process, so do not get hung up on yourself and listen to the other person with interest. It may well be the beginning of a great friendship.
2. Do what you like
The best way to make new friends is to meet people with whom you have common interests. If you have a hobby that you usually pursue alone, think about where you can find like-minded people. Sign up for the sports section, join groups on social networks, see where people with similar interests gather in your city.
There is nothing easier than starting a conversation about some things with a person who likes them too. When you meet someone with similar interests, exchange contacts and stay in touch.
3. Keep a positive attitude
A positive attitude is one of the most important requirements of friendship. It depends on him whether we will feel like spending time with a person or not. Think about whether it’s nice for people to chat with you, and decide what else to work on.
Simple rules: say thank you, support, ask questions, do not be secretive, smile.
People do not like to constantly be in the company of negatively-minded people. The researchers found that when you speak well of someone, people tend to attribute these positive qualities to you too. For example, if you tell a colleague that your boss is a friendly and attentive person, he will most likely think that you yourself are friendly and attentive. And vice versa, if you complain that your boss is a narcissistic moron, a colleague may notice some of these unpleasant qualities in you.
4. Do not expect others to take the first step
You may feel vulnerable when you meet another person. But it may turn out that he is even more reserved and it is not easy for him to establish contact with a stranger. So just talk. In the end, what's wrong with you?
In a relationship you need to not only take, but also give, help other people. And most of the things that we expect from friendship: trust, reliability, honesty - are built on reciprocity. Find out what others are missing, help them, and they will be able to see you as a potential friend.
Do not wait until everything happens by itself. Проявляйте активность, приглашайте людей в гости, предлагайте прогуляться, и вы удивитесь, как много людей захотят к вам присоединиться.
5. Поддерживайте связь
Отношения зависят от того, сколько времени вы проводите вместе с друзьями. Поэтому подумайте о том, как вы будете поддерживать связь. For example, before leaving the party, say that you liked everything and it would be nice to repeat it, and offer to exchange numbers or add each other on social networks. The next day, you can thank the person for a pleasant time. Or later invite for a birthday. Or somewhere else.
Be consistent. Agree, friendship is unlikely to succeed if you first have a good time, and then do not write and do not answer for a month.